We Don’t Give a Toss We want you to feel empowered, enhanced and in control It says so on our mission statement blu-tacked to the wall We’re investors in people, our assertive stategy is to Facilitate our vision and achieve transparency We believe in customer service, quick march at the double Satisfaction guaranteed , nothing’s too much trouble We are the smarmy army, we march in perfect time And if you’re needing of assistance you can contact our helpline Yet all in all if the truth be known When the chips are down, you’re on your own Cos we don’t give a toss, we don’t give a toss It’s just a load of bullshit underneath the gloss We’ll hide behind a desk while they nail you to a cross To us you’re just a number, you’ll be no great loss We are from the ministry with no faces and no names Ticking little boxes to amuse our little brains We promise that we’ll phone you back,but you know pigs might fly We’ve lost the form you sent us so you’ll have to re-apply Well with our new promotion we will fill your cup But you won’t see our arse for dust when it goes belly up We’re sorry you’re a loser, but we know we’re Ok We robbed you of pension and we gambled it away Cos we don’t give a toss, we don’t give a toss God bless the politicians who promise us the skies Dealing from the bottom of their pack of lies It’s information management, as the words trip off the tongue Feathering our nests with all the wool we’ve spun Cos we don’t give a toss, we don’t give a toss

The Barmaid Through pissheads and through bikers I had to fight my way, All for some cheese and onion crisps and a pint of IPA. I spoke unto the barmaid, But me she did not hear And it's long time I've been waiting for The coming of my beer. Either I'm invisible Or she's completely blind, Though I wave around my ten quid note, She serves the bloke behind. Still I try to catch her eye, But still she looks away, If I show to her some rudeness She won't serve me again. Rept verse 1

Wheels of Change We're born, we live, we die, the working men are we, Just slaves in the land of the free; And the passions of our hearts they are ploughed into the dirt, Just like an empty page in history; And Bonaparte and France might be 10,000 miles away, Or stranded on the far side of the sun And those wheels of change they keep on turning, turning, turning, They're blowing you like leaves in the wind. They sweep you off your feet, they don't give you time to sleep, And no one knows just just where those rolling wheels are going to spin... Fat preachers walk the land the Holy Bible in their hand, And say "don't think of earthly paradise", But the one thing you disown when you're down to skin and bone Is a great big staely home in the skies; The farmers work you like a horse 'til your working days are done, And then they work your children just the same... And those wheels of change they keep on turning, turning, turning............ Insurrection, there's nothing left to lose, the gallows pole or slow suicide, In your veins the ropes are tightening Throat is dry just like forked lightning Damn your neck if you can kep your pride... Now all the fields are full of golden corn, But hunger walks on never failing feet, As the patterns of an age are broken on the wheels of change; The great machine that feeds on bread and meat, They say the debts must be repaid, thge loans must be redeemed As the fleas upon the dog begin to bite.. And those wheels of change they keep on turning, turning, turning............ repeat 3x:-And no one knows just just where those rolling wheels are going to spin...

Reality TV Reality TV Every breath you take Every ego trip you make Everything half baked Every brain-dead state We'll be watching you Every comment so dumb, Every beat of your own drum Every chew of the gum Every scratch of the bum We'll be watching you Oh can't you see This is reality TV I'm so lost for words Where do they get all these nerds? Every trumpet that blows Every bozo pose Every pick of the nose God only knows Why we're watching you We'll all agree it's the total pits To assemble such a load of complete dimwits Just like our forefathers got their kicks Gazing at the Bedlam lunatics Oh let me off the planet please�. Oh won't you listen to me, I'm just a wannabee But, hey, listen I'm gonna be a celebrity,(say) and bring the world the gift of my wonderful personality�If yer know worra mean like innit! Every source of earache All the wind you break What a woeful state It's got to be a piss-take That we're watching you. Just like a fly on the wall Watching things that crawl We'll be watching you. Just like a trip to the zoo now, you're sitting on the loo now "hey, look, he's just done a great big poo now" - we'll be watching you!

Music to Twitch To Well, we're well into the 21st century, And the Earth is still spinning and we're still breathing, In avery lunar dive in all the stellar cafes We can hear the sound echoing along the Milky way Ba ba ba ba ba ba.. It's as easy as learning your ABC, Played on every starship in the galaxy, It's becme a part of the way of life, Of all the guys and gals in the universe and his wife It's music that we all just stand around and twitch to... Well there'll be no more surfing in the USA Cos everyone's twitching the night away, No more locomotion, no more musical roots, Just zippy little men in zippy little suits.. Playing music that we all just stand around and twitch to.. It's number one on Venus and on Alphe Centaur, In New York, in Moscow and in Ulan Bator, It's the music of the future, the music of the past, Well, even the French have caught on at last Ba ba ba ba ba ba So roll over Beethoven and Shostakovich, Go in with a flourish, come out with a twitch, Through the rub-a-dub machine desensitized, All under the watch of the tribal eye, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Food from a tube, food from a tube A tablet a day takes all your cares away A voice like burnt metal singing in my head Taking me to the land of the braindead ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Well, the twitch police drive round in tanks To blot rock and roll from your memory banks, As the lone DJ plans the final rave As the ghost of dear old Elvis turns in his grave Ba ba ba ba ba ba The just one push of a button by a faceless face, Winds up the rhythm to a maic pace, Twitch 'til you drop 'til your very last breath, As the blind lead the blind in the dance of death, Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba rubadubdubdubadubdubdub...

Titanic(the True Story) Jack: Aw, I am a canny lad, wot sealed upawn the awsheeon we-ave, A loost me hairt, ah suppawse ye mart seagh, Wan ah mit oop wi a bonny lass, shi wor pawe(t)ry in mawsheeon, Orl serfisticated leek, she stawel mi hairt aweeah. Rose: Altheugh one would heff tew seay, One lecks the sewcial greyces, One's northern charm swept ones feet right awf the grind, One gawt one pissed on Newcastle Brine, and blewing awf in people's faeces, And but for one, one would hev surely jumped awf the bewt and drined. Jack: Neeargh, far, ah've haired yer a reeal stor Althoagh yi doo-ant aif rabbit awan It's noo-agh joo-aak, ah noo-ah this boo-at woo-ant floo-at An ah suppo-ase yi dooant knoo-agh wee-ar yi goona goo-ah frum heeargh. Aw yi wor tae be wed, tae these pawsh fella Wi allis sawche-ull steatews leek, An ah'm joost a wee laddie from the Tyne Rose Which tyne is thet, Jack? Guildford? Does one mean that awful stockbrewker chappie, Some assewciate of mater's One's never gewing tew have it awf or gettum dine Near, far, one's heard one's a real star, Althew one is inclined tew rabbit awn It's new jewk , one knews this bewt wewn't flewt, And one must suppewse one doesn't knew where one's gewing to gew from heargh. Well, Jack, one must admit one has thoroughly enjoyed one's relationship, even thew one's backgrind isn't from the hewm kynties and even thew one hasn't been able to make ite a single thing one's said throughite the hewel experience, but one must suppose one can't help coming from somewhere northern and smelly, and it was offley nice of one to let one have priority for the flewting awbject Oh well, it looks like one's abite to drine nigh, but don't be dine, I'm, sure one will enjoy relating the hewel experience when one is on one's horse with ones fiancé. It's been absolutely super, Jack and, well, as one has probably guessed, one's completely maird actually. It's new jewk , one knews this bewt wewn't flewt, And one must suppewse one doesn't knew where one's gewing to gew from heargh. Rawaz, just beefawr ah gooagh��. A wawn't yita knoo-agh Just sawaz yi knoo leek�.. (just swalloawed a blo-agh -ter) Mi knackers r froo-a-zen I ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Food from a tube, food from a tube A tablet a day takes all your cares away A voice like burnt metal singing in my head Taking me to the land of the braindead ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Well, the twitch police drive round in tanks To blot rock and roll from your memory banks, As the lone DJ plans the final

The Circle Game The landlord's called last orders in the Mason's Arms, But not a single hand is raised to drain a parting glass. He might as well have saved his breath, not bothered to dim the lights, They seem to have lost track of time, holding forth the rights Of the workers, the unemployed, the miners and the gay, One parent, ethnic bisexual amputees challenged in evry conceivable way. Eh, Jeff, come and sit down, we can fir one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing Right now you could say that we've taken the pub over, Since we established our bridgehead back in October, The old regulars have been pushed over into the corner to one side, Just like poor old King Canute trying to stop the tide,We've never actually worked in A mine, farm or factory, But cultivate a scrotal appearance to give us credibility. Eh, Gareth, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. Now the mother tongue of Shakespeare has been unanimously voted out By politically correct polytechnic Daleks -all night long we'll spout For the cause of the revolution, workers, peasants, underclasses, Though we've never actually seen a revo;utionary worker sat here on our arses, But if you care to argue with our point of view, We'll say you are a fascist and a middle class one too! Eh, Maureen, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. What we preach is workers' solidarity, that will win the day, If only people would think for themselves and do as I say! We're the equal opportunities thought police, let me make it absolutely clear That we only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We come from Wales, from Glasgow, from Milton Keynes come we To sit roud in a circle and turn our backls on reality, Eh, Phil, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. Here's Napoleon in dungarees, she's got six months off work to convalesce, After her sense of humour by-pass operation was a complete success (although it was done by a man!) "Did she really need to go on twenty two assertiveness courses?" You ask as she begings to defend her right to solve the problems of Nicaragua While breastfeeding twins. Her partner doesn't say much, but he knows that he might score When she finally rune out of steam(yawn!) around about half past four Eh,Jennry, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. We espouse all noble causes , the dispossessed, the meek, We'd have everybody out on strike, nine days a week. We've been sold down the river by the powers that be, By those fat capitalist bastards that have got more money than me We hate all the polluters that destro our air, our sea, our earth, As we chain smoke our Marlboroughs when we pause to take a breath Eh, Euan, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. Now, we don't actually live in a council estate or a tenement flat, But in the white, upwardly mobile, west end of town or leafy cul de sac We sit and nod and stroke our beards appearing very wise, Looking like dead Bee Gees as we screw up our eyes; But we've never ploughed the fileds or scattered , or at the coal face toiled, And only broken into a sweat after seven pints of ale Eh, Rob, some and sit down, we can fit one more in, Let's all sit round in a circle and be left wing. But what if the pub should suddenly freeze, at this point in time, And be discovered by anthropologists some years down the line? Like those people in Pompey, what a tale we'd tell, Just like those old frozen woolly mammoths preserved in each detail:- (David Bellamy voice) Is this some obscuwe weligious witual that now we see unfweeze Or was their development awwested by some stwange sociologically twansmitted disease? And how on earth did they fit so many of the buggers in Sat round in a circle - being left wing?

Gobbindownmimobile Sitting in the bus or standing in the tube, Waiting in the cafe or the supermarket queue, In the dentist's waiting room, in the barber's chair, In the middle of someone's wedding, I don't care. I'm the buffoon who's sat next to you, When you hear that cursed ringtone, that's my cue to be.. Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile, Shouting it out totally oblivious, The world and his wife are going to know my business, Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile, Can't switch it off it's a part of me, This call's important can't you see? On the centre court at Wimbledon when the point's vital, On the 18th green, putting for the title, In the quiet movement of a symphony, The bloody thing goes off in a foreign key, Sitting on the toilet in the cubicle next door, Nowhere's sacred 'cos you know I'll be.. Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile, You can't shut me out I might just as well, Have a pair of speakers on my shoulders to get more decibels, Don't know how I ever managed without my dingaling, Now you'd have to surgically remove the sodding thing, Any time, any place , night or day, (SHOUT!)"Yeah, I'm in the library at the moment, shall I get a takeaway?" Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile, Don't think you'll find sanctuary, think that you'll escape, At the top of a Welsh mountain or by a Scottish lake, I'll shatter the peace of the English countryside There's no offshore island I can't find, And when you reach those paerly gates, I'll be leaning on the wall outside gobbin to me mates.. Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile, Once more but LOUDER! Gobbindownmimobile, gobbindownmimobile,

Daddy, Don't Become a Morris Dancer! A lump came into my throat as Iclimbed up those stairs And I went to kiss my little girl goodnight But when I looked into those big brown eyes I saw there were tears where she'd been crying, And I didn't know the reason why. I said "what's the matter, Chardonnay", Why have you been crying , Has someone upset you? has your puppy died?" "No, daddy,"she said, "I've just had a really bad dream And you were in my dream and everything seemed so real. "Tell me all about it", I said. "After all it was only a dream." "Daddy," she said to me. "I'm nine years old now and I'm not going to be your little girl for very much longer. Why, in five years time I'll be a totally revolting obnoxious teenage pain in the backside, and you� well you'll be going through one of those difficult phases in your life and�well, daddy I want you make me just one promise before that happens ,will you promise, daddy?" Well, sweetheart, you know I'll do anything to make you happy, so what is this promise you want me to make And I couldn't stop those tears welling up inside when I heard my little girl say these words to me Daddy, don't become a Morris Dancer, Don't show me up in front of all my friends Oh, the embarrassment the grief, To see you waving those handker chiefs Daddy, please keep a way from those Morris men.. Daddy you can do anything you want to Take up fishing, snooker, jogging or Tai Chi Join the Ford Capri owner's club, brass band, Liberal Democrats or the Gilbert and Sullivan Society, You can even help to re-enact the Battle of Naseby, Or maybe if you like Buy a powerful motorbike And make believe that you're just turned eighteen, But don't go getting your kicks Clonking with their sticks That would be so desperately sad you see So Daddy, don't become a Morris Dancer� Yes, those teenage years going to be are difficult times, Where one has to be concerned about one's image and everything's got to be totally wicked and cool n'stuff 'n y,know, whatever! And though I may be a smatarse knowall, Don't make me cringe ,don't make me feel a fool, And want the ground to swallow me up whole, Though I realise the role of a parent Is at all times to cause the maximum possible embarrassment, Even that stupid woolly hat's Ok by me, But don't go getting an inkling When you hear those bells a tinkling, And put a tankard on you belt and sing "all around my beer belly" Daddy, don't become a MorrisDancer, Don't listen to that cry Of that lonesome melodeon in the sky Daddy please don,t join the MorrisMen Cotswold or Border are totally our of order Daddy, won't you do this one thing for me Goodnight, Daddy

Harry's War Harry's War Somewhere there's a smoky room Where generals lean over a map and make plans Move their pieces around on the board To form the grand strategies of the High Command While way out here where the guns split the night One poor reluctant conscript stubs out a cigarette He's had no sleep for the past three nights Cos this is Harry's war If I ever get out of this Godforsaken hole I'll kiss the sergeant major as I wave good bye Drink a toast to the friends I've lost by the way And that man I'm trying to kill who looks a lot like me I'm cold and I'm scared and I can almost see his face And I just want to be out of this place I'm going to march my way home and never march again Cos this is Harry's war. Yes, this is Harry's War. Our brigade commander went to a good school And reads all the manuals time and time again But he's got no sense he's got no sense at all And only knows the difference between officers and men With a pipe between my teeth I'm chewing at the stem Got through three this month it'll be four by the end When I write home I'm fine I'll pretend Cos this is Harry's war If I ever get out of this Godforsaken hole... There's an iron band of men inside this hell on earth Where we don't wave flags or sing God Save the King We don't read the papers and not see between the lines Just think home thoughts of public bars and pretty women Content to tend the garden or to pull the plough With these hands never meant for the holding of a gun We've been waiting for relief for three weeks now Cos this is Harry's war If I ever get out of this Godforsaken hole... If I ever get home don't ask me what I did No desire to be a hero I never felt that brave Won't even send for my medals, won't talk a lot Quite content to take my story with me to the grave Perhaps look back one day and lose the bitter taste Of when we all paid the price for politicians mistakes And was it all a total waste That we fought Harry's war If I ever get out of this Godforsaken hole... rep last line

In the Gateau (And those stairs creak) On a cold and dark November night I creep down to the kitchen and my eyes Catch sight of the gateau. (And those scales don't lie) Though I'm supposed to be losing weight There staring at me on the plate is the gateau. You gotta understand, How I feel those hunger pangs People don't you see I can't live on lettuce and celery Or I'm going to completely fade away. (As my stomach churns), Though I might get broad around the beam, There's death by chocolate and treble cream in the gateau. (This diet's against the rules). Though I know my waistline's gonna pay the price There are 3 million calories in every slice of the gateau. I know my family doctor is the cause of all my trials I can't live on rice cakes that taste like Polystyrene tiles. (And those scales don't lie.) Though I've destroyed the evidence I know I'm gonna feel the consequences of the gateau, (And those scales don't lie) As I put the empty plate back on that shelf, I think even old Elvis himself was partial to the gateau (And those scales don't lie) I don't want to live on watercress And you can't get will power on the NHS, Gimme the gateau. (And those scales don't lie).

Monty Monty, when Mr Brown comes home on the 6.20, He rattles his 'Times' ands always finds A sabre toothed crocodile, I really love your virtuoso sausage concerto style, Monty, Monty, there's no need to wag your pedigree.. Cos if your bite is as big as your bark, You'd soon make fish fingers from a tiger shark, Monty, I'll see you in my dreams.. Monty, a ring around the moon and you get uptight.. A winter;s morn a frosty lawn you do look a sorry hound, All your assets will get frozen just an inch above the ground, Monty, Monty, well I don't give a damn about those lamp-post blues... 'Cos if the toe of my boot could just find the right place , You'd be the first chipolata in outer space, oh, Monty, I'll see you in my dreams, yes I will, because you said so, Monty, I'll see you in my dreams.

Faraway Gone (D)I threw a stone down the(G)well of(D)time, And listened to the echo(Em)fading and(D)die A(D)long the ruin of the(G)old Roman(D)Way That(G)followed the(D)path where the(A)ancients (G)lie. And a(D)blackbird he sings in a(G) branch of my (D)tree “Oh bring back my true lover(Em)safe home to(A) me If I had(D) wings of a swallow they’d(G) carry my (D)song (G)Faraway,(D) faraway,(A)faraway(Bm) gone(A). (G)Faraway,(D) faraway,(A) faraway(G) gone(A/D) I (D)carried my lamp a(G)long times dark (D)lane, That gave out its light over (Em)all that it (A)passed The(D) mist on the hills where(G) memory(D) fades Where the(G) swords they lay(D) rusting and(A) blunt in the(G) grass. Chorus.. Then G/D/A/ G/D I (D)looked in that mirror all (G)over my (D)shoulder Where judgement day clouds still hung(Em) heavy in(A) view They(D) don’t need me now, for the(G) battle was (D)over And I(G) thought about (D)when this(A) old ring was (G)new. Chorus rep last line G/D/A/G/A/D.

Little Wooden Self Well, I woke up this morning,been drunk the night before, There was a pain inside my head, I was feeling bubonic, and totally chronic,as I crawled out of the bed To where that fat old sun , beating like a drum went hammering Through my head.. Now, I'm more than a spotty tapeworm life and soul of the friendly bank, Who took just two fools and a submission to make him walk the plank And tossed down to where the vampire sharks will drink his blood bone dry And I don't know what I'm going to do, But I wouldn't change my little wooden self for you. My TV screen expoldes into starts for the posing, prancing King, With the canned applause and a thousand encores To commit the unforgiveable sin, And then we woke up just in time to soak up the great wet American dream... I got cornered in the bar, old cheque card Charlie had no pity on my ears, Your professional fights and your tom cat nights are boring me to tears Like the day you got yourself a ringside seat for the night they invented champagne, And I don't know what I'm going to do, But I wouldn't change my little wooden self for you. You know you'll come to no harm on your daddy's farm as he meets you at the station, With your fiance and your dapple grey you're all ready to sweep the nation, But what makes matters worse is you think you're so down to earth.. Just like dynamite Lil, she's found a new pill and she's a heroine, she's coping By using her pram as a battering ram on doors she needs to open, Waiting for a disco lover boy to wash away all of her stains.. But I don't know what I'm going to do, But I wouldn't change my little wooden self for you. Lady Love, she died last night, the people mourn and weep, She took an underdose of civilisation and slowly went to sleep, And now our God is dead, we lean on a lawyer instead Now me and my love we've got no time for living in parallel lines, Queueing for the corn flake countryside and the tall Toyota pines, We'll just sit and watch that tangerine sun go sinking down the sky, And wondering why And I don't know what I'm going to do, But I wouldn't change my little wooden self for you. Hoo cooka choo!