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The Melodeons are Coming! (Full Album)

by Dave Taylor

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1.
Support Your Neighbourhood Fanatic. We are the instruments of God, we are the holy ones, Heading for our destiny with holy books and guns, I am the right hand of Allah, God bless the USA, Vengeance is mine, Lord, go on make my day! We live life by the book, every chapter, every verse, But just like pictures in the clouds, we turn blessings to a curse, Oh, let the prophet speak as the blood runs cold, Divine wind a coming puts a chill into the soul. Support your neighbourhood fanatic, Let him fix you with his gaze On the ghost train to salvation with a smile upon his face He can't make it to the lifeboat no matter how he tries, Let him drag us down to doomsday on his way to paradise. With a licence to kill just like 007, From Drumcree up to Shankhill Road we're on our way to heaven, Fitted out with blinkers to make us run straight and true, It hurts a lot to laugh when you're one of the lean and hungry crew. Our will it is surrendered to that great ventriloquist in the sky. We've got one eye on God and one on home made apple pie, We feel the need to follow, it makes us feel kinda nice, Joyriding to Valhalla on a nuclear device... Support your neighbourhood fanatic... Take us to your leader so we don't have to think, Take us to the water, duck our heads and make us drink, Give us all the answers so we don't have to cheat. Let's all fall in line and goosestep down the street. Support your neighbourhood fanatic,(x2) We are the instruments of God, we are the holy ones,
2.
Weary Old Folk Tune I am a weary old folk tune, it's ofttimes you've heard me played, Like when orders came one afternoon that we were to march away, From Bantry Bay down to Derry Quay from Galway to Dublin Town, To the Lowlands of Holland I've well and truly done the rounds. Like when I told of three gallant poachers one March evening a plan they made, With trap and snare and with finger in their ear, by the gamekeepers were waylaid, For the singing of folk songs out of season straightway they were condemned To fourteen years transportay-she-aye-on unto Van Diemen's Land. Well as the ship it sped, we shook-ed our eds , and gay-zed with a feeling rare, Upon a ship that go-ed in the other direction saying "who are that rabble over there?" I said, says I "That's the Lancashire Lads, saying whatever shall we do?" Then before you could say "To me wack fol diddle eye day" they'd nicked the bloody tune. By now I totally confus-ed was to whom I did belong, This melody to let, no lyrics yet, who'd be an old folk song, An identity crisis for seven long years and only after intensive counselling they set me free. Only to be 'ad by Martin Carthy, three times on one CD. Well I've been 'ad by half the regiment, given pleasure all around the fleet. Abus-ed by all and sundry-aye-ay from me nut brown hair to me snow white feet. I've been ad by the aristocracy, and by the rank and file. It's time I was laid in the unquiet grave, like Lazarus to rise again.
3.
(Sailing on my) Morning Cloud. Well meet me at the top of the stairs, don't you feel so proud. You've got the kind of loving I need to get both my feet off the ground. Floating away on a cushion of air, far above the crowds, Sailing on my morning cloud, Sailing on my morning cloud. Now we didn't have to say very much just riding with the tide, You don't need conversation when you've got nowhere to hide, Wandering in each other's maze, going round and round, Sailing on my morning cloud, Sailing on my morning cloud. Now the cinders of the evening now grow pale in the morning skies, I feel you gently breathing as I wipe the tears from my eyes, I might wake up in an hour or two safe within my shroud, Sailing on my morning cloud, Sailing on my morning cloud. Though we're surrounded, never join in their games, Never be grounded till we're shot down in flames! So meet me at the top of the stairs, don't you feel so proud. You've got the kind of loving I need to get both my feet off the ground. Floating away on a cushion of air, far above the crowds, Sailing on my morning cloud, Sailing on my morning cloud. Sailing on my morning cloud.
4.
Not a Morning Person. It's Monday Morning, it's pissing down with rain, I don't want to go to work, I can't face the strain, I've got no words to say to anyone. I don't want to go to work though there's work to be done. I had a little anaesthetic late last night And it's gone right to my head, I've got the best intentions in the world But I can't get them out of the bed. I've got no good mornings to say to anyone, I can't even summon up the mental age to read "The Sun". It's Monday morning, I'm feeling ill, Please cancel my engagements,say I have a slight chill. Why wasn't I born one of them things Wot hangs upside down in the trees, I'd just dangle around on me branch all day, And scratch away all of my fleas. In my head there's an ache, in my body there's a pain, I haven't got the energy to disengage me brain, I've got a very sensitive nose, And it just doesn't like what it feels outside the bed clothes. Why wasn't I born spirogyra, That's just about my size, I'd just cruise around in me pond all day And photosynthesize. It's Monday morning, it soon comes round again I'm going to get up when I've counted to ten 1-2--3-4-5-etc fade.
5.
Company Man 04:43
Company Man Well, I'm a company man, and I drive a company car, For three thousand years I've washed behind the ears And that's how I've got this far. I carry a pocket calculator, I tow a white caravan And I'm down on my knees so easy to please, Cos I'm a company man. Well I'm just your action man soldier You can buy me straight off the peg. I was born with a great rubber smile on my face And a seven inch inside leg. With never a thought in my head, just make me a part of your plan Oh and twist my plastic arms into a posture of surrender Cos I'm a company man.. And I'm so glad to be a part of the team And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream And I'm so glad to be Just a part of the great big happy family. Oh, I'm a company man, and I live on an acre of land, And I don't like all this screaming airy pop give me a birrathatpavaroni or a good brass band. I'm just the man in the middle, just the sardine just the jam Spread me around, splash me all over, Cos I'm the company man. I'm a part of the company's ears, I see through the company's eyes. Three times a week I'll maybe sneak for a leak and whistle as I'm doing up my flies. And when I get sat upon or spat upon, it's me that carries the can, And any old crucifixion without fail I'll bang in the first nail Cos I'm the company man... And I'm so glad to be a part of the team And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream And I'm so glad to be Just a part of the great big happy family. Well, I'm a company man, and I play the snakes and ladders of success, Where the papers and the trains and all the insurance claims Are all part of the incredible mess. Why don't I throw myself under a fax machine, or "let's bury daddy in the sand" That would all be in vain , there's plenty more where I came from Cos I'm the company man... And I'm so glad to be a part of the team And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream And I'm so glad to be a part of the machine Just a part of the great big happy family.
6.
BSA Bantam 1963 (Adapted from "Vincent Black Lightning,1952" by Richard Thompson Said Big Gladys to little Wally,"who owns that clapped out motorbike? I wouldn't be seen dead on such a rusty heap of shite." Said Little Wally to Big Gladys, "don't demean my mean machine -it's a BSA Bantam 1963 - I've seen you at the Bingo night down at the King and Queen Blue hair rinse and green wellies my favourite colour scheme And if you'll step into the sidecar I fully do intend to take you down to Brighton for the dirtiest of weekends." Said Little Wally to Big Gladys "let's get this beast on the road- Watch her when I rev her up really pump testosterone." Said Big Gladys to Little Wally, "I think I'm going to freeze Here in this sidecar with these oily rags and grease." Wally said "for the sake of my machine I've indulged in all Manner of unsavoury personal habits, But when I get you in that hotel room we'll go at it like rabbits." He finally kick started it on the forty second try Nought to forty miles an hour in twenty minutes flat And off down the A3 they did fly. Said Big Gladys to Little Wally along the Guildford bypass "Which stupid pillock didn't listen to the weather forecast ?" Driving into a blizzard, it was as like as was not Trying to steer a snake through a barrel of snot, And along the Hog's Back it finally expired Water in the carburettor, ice on the spark plug wire He swore at it and kicked it several times But his BSA Bantam had died. Said Big Gladys to Little Wally, "this is another fine mess Stuck her in a layby in a state of acute distress- Give me a man with a Reliant Robin or a Citroen 2CV Not a BSA Bantam 1963." Wally said "we can still have our night of passion and fun We can taste the pleasures of the flesh if I stick out my thumb" Said Gladys" that can never never be Because I'm going off with this very nice man from the RAC- Silly Pratt, the A3 doesn't go to Brighton, anyway.." Said Big Gladys to Little Wally "who owns that clapped out motorbike ? I wouldn't be seen dead on such a rusty heap of shite." Said Little Wally to Big Gladys "don't demean my mean machine, it's a BSA Bantam, 1963" "Born to be wild......"
7.
Easter Leaver. Easter leaver, Easter leaver, Easter leaver Always late, lesson hater, teacher baiter, image breaker, Playground fear, racketeer, Boadicea, boa constrictor, Cannot spell, saved by the bell, run like hell, away from the smell. Mummy says "I blame the school, they should have kept her in line" Letters to the local rag "there's not enough discipline", Daddy says "I just don't understand how my little girl could turn out so, The day she turned up her nose at her bromide and stamped her little feet and said 'no'" Easter leaver, Easter leaver... Don't ask shoot, put in the boot, Front recruit, nazi salute Leather sporter, rough supporter, devil's daughter, fire water, Blood blister, ugly sister, no hoper, lunch time smoker. Headmaster says it's a clear case of "give a dog a bad name", Ms Jones says "it's beyond a joke, she's driving us insane" High school shrink thinks he's getting through, "she's not as bad as people say, it's just the crowd she hangs around leading her astray, Easter Leaver, Easter Leaver... Upbraided, ungraded, saddle strider, pillion rider, cool cucumber, queue jumper, under cover, spunk lover, Fast liver, ulcer giver, search for traces of saving graces.. Mummy says "I blame the school, they should have kept her in line" Letters to the local rag "there's not enough discipline", Daddy says "I just don't understand how my little girl could turn out so, The day she turned up her nose at her muesli and stamped her little feet and said 'no'" Easter leaver, Easter leaver... Instrumental break... Headmaster says it's a clear case of "give a dog a bad name",
8.
The Melodeons Are Coming Strange portents in the southern skies Ill omens they are borne And naked Morris Dancers make crop circles in the corn A comet races through the sky, foreboding on the wind Strange conjunctions of the planets, these are bad times my friend There's chaos on the stock exchange, panic at the ports The mormons are on their mobile phones, forces on red alert Supermarket shelves are empty but the churches have full pews TV schedules rearranged to get the latest news I do not speaqk of nuclear war or asteroid attack Ofsted inspectors, bubonic plague, no it's far far worse than that Not the Martians, not the Daleks, Anne Widdecombe or mad cow And even Nostradamus did not foresee what's happening now Oh, they came down in their spacecraft, one hot summer's night Hideous leering aliens with a green unearthly light Some had one row of nobs on, and some had two or three But all were justv as deadly to the likes of you and me Oh, they breathed through dreadful bellows, through which the air was blown Destroying all things in their path with a hideous piercing moan With that dreadful mission statement from the planet of their birth Saying "death to all things musical that are upon the earth " The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see That this is the way the world will end.... All in the key of D ! Although they have no life themselves they exist as parasites Arttach themselves to a human host for all his natural life They look so harmless in their cases lying over there But pick one up and gorgon like it will fix you with a stare "Oh, pick me up and play me," and no man can resist As they weld themselves forever between the victim's fists His muscles go into spasm, his eyes go all aglazed Condemned to play endless tunes for the rest of his days Those tunes go round in circles, evrybody plays the same No one can step out of line in this deathly game It's no good trying to put one down, you will find you can't Stuck for eternity playing tunes that all sound like Nellie the Elephant. It starts off with just one in the corner, with himself he will play But like a cuckoo in the nest drives all other instruments away And like a siren lures other poor mortals to their doom And soon you'll have 150 of the buggers all playing in one room They mutate like a virus spreding at the speed of light Drag in more hapless victims to feed teir appetite Stike fear into the bravest hearts, put a chill into the soul Ithink I just saw one swallow a concertina whole The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see That this is the way the world will end.... All in the key of D ! ( or G .. apparently ??) They gather round in workshops, world dominance to plan Not content till they possess control of every man A farewell to all intercourse, conversation is all done Communicate by nods and grunts in between the tunes You can't fight them on the beaches or flee to the mountains high Only to put off the day when the spider gets the fly They can penetrate solid concrete, ferret in the deepest holes Till in the end we're caught in a trap like rabbits, rats or moles For the victims there is no way back there can be no release Not even a stake driven through the heart can bring them inner peace Till death comes as a welcome friend to take away their pain As they all meet their final end from repetitive strain The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see That this is the way the world will end.... All in the key of D ! (repeat chorus)
9.
Eridge Valley Cowboy ...and that was four faults for David Bwoome and now Her Woyal Highness, Pwincess Anne widing "What a cock-up". Well I wanna be a countwy boy, I wanna lay me dine, Away fwom the city's toil and stwife, With just a few thysand pynds And a copy of the "Horse and Hynd", That's all I need to lead the simple life. ..wonderful clear rynde, Susan.. Well, my ma and pa they taught me, When I was abite knee high, To do the best things most pwofessionally They taught me hye to ride a horse, Hye to handle a sherry glass, Cos a countwy squire is what you're gonna be, my son, Yes, a countwy squire is what you're gonna be. And I wanna be a countwy boy, ..oh, sh'e got a bwick out of the wall.. Now, I got my wife fwom countwy life, On the glossy side, With a plum in her mythe and a skin like porcelain, I got no chin I got no bwain But I'm a mighty, mighty man, With a four legg-ed fwiend and a double bawwelled name, With a four legg-ed fwiend and a double bawwelled name. And I wanna be a countwy boy, Now that fox I'm chasing after He just sits there dying of laughter, And thinks that I'm acting mighty stwange Well, I look such a pwatt in my silly little hat, Just a big, fat lonesome cowboy on the wa-eenge, Just a big, fat lonesome cowboy on the wange. Well I wanna be a countwy boy, ..and here comes her Her Royal Highness now, beautifully poised, beautifully balanced, up to the water jump....OH GAWD, SHE'S COME RIGHT AWF! ..the horse made a terrible mistake there. Now, I love to be seen on that good old putting gween, Talking to a banker fwom the tyne, He's gonna fetch me pwonto a stockbwoker called Tonto, And I know he's never gonna let me dine, No, I know he's never gonna let me dine.. And I wanna be a countwy boy, ...NAFF AWF!!
10.
Truer Shade of Blue When you were young and in your prime, Your belly full of rage and fire, You stood out with Trotsky on the barricades, That Little Red Book there to inspire you, And that poster of Che Guevara, it hung on your wall for years, You thought you were going to change the world and watch it all come crashing down around their ears, But the years have flown past so quickly, and it's strange but oh, so true, That flag once red with the wrokers' blood now flies a truer shade of blue. You were the young icon of the left, you argued deep, deep into the night, No clouds to block your vision, the truth was there in black and white, And you wore Fidel Castro's cap, it sat squarely on your head, Now you talk in hushed voices along the corridors of power, One day soon you'll be a minister it's said.. And now Maggie Thatcher's knickers, they seem the perfect fit for you, AS they hang out on your washing line, in a truer shade of blue. You've gotten wealth, you've gotten image, you've protected and survived alright, And now you worry about those demons, and things that might go bump in the night, You want a good school for your children, you want investments that will grow, As you drifted into the middle of the road and onto the other side, Safe within that comfort zone.. And as you find yourself saying the things you said you'd never say, just like your parents used to do, And the political litmus paper has turned a truer shade of blue. Your feet are firmly on the ladder, you're a winner in the game, You joined the congregation, you even sing in the choir, that revolution never came anyway, But sometimes through the opium you catch a glimpse in the mirror, reflecting those far off long gone days, You try telling yourself it was a natural progression, just a passing phase, And as you contemplate power dressing for that important interview, Glad that you've been born again in a truser shade of blue.
11.
Jehovah's Windows Well, who's that knocking on my door, it's that knock I dread, They always call when you're in the shower or half asleep in bed, You know they've come to take away your money and your sins, As you watch the milk of human kindness go running down their chins. "We happened to be in the area", that's what they always say, And grin at you as if to say "this is your lucky day!" "We've come about your windows that you need to replace, And we've got out foot inside your door and our hands inside your brains.. So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line, Give us your soul, your money until the end of time, Why don't you surrender, who put up a fight, Just open up Jehovah's Windows, so you can see the light! Now, your existing windows, they really are the pits, They'll take with them your walls and roofs when they fall to bits, Followed by that fitted kitchen that we sold to you, So climb up onto the watchtower and get a grandstand view. Now it's no good trying a gentle hint, we have no sense of shame, We'll just carry on patronising you while your dinner goes up in flames, We get a fat commission when all is signed and sealed, And a timeshare villa in heaven on completion of the deal. So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line... Don't think that you can slam that door, it would all be in vain. We'll just crawl down the chimney pot or wriggle through the drain, We'll seep through any orifice you're not safe on the loo, 'Cos like gremlins we'll swim round the bend, And grab a hold of you. You can say that you're a hindu, an agnostic or the Pope, But we're the universal salesmen and we'll never give up hope, We'll never leave 'til your resistance goes without a trace, And you're left all double glazed, just like the expression on your face... So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line..."
12.
The Worst Irish Band in the World Oh my name it is Darryl and me story I'll relate, How I gave up me day job as a plumber's mate's mate, And it's many a night you'll find me down at McGinty's Bar With a phoney Irish accent and a badly tuned guitar, Like Clark Kent into Superman I'll effortlessly change, And as Seamus and the Scumbags you'll see us on the stage. From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen We're probably the worst Irish band you've ever seen, But we listen to the punters who say "give it to us, please, Fast and loud and in yer face and in a bunch of keys", And we know that they'll come back for more to hear the same old sh**e It sure to hell beats working at three hundred quid a night (it's in D) All you need's a bit of nerve and chords one, two and three And just keep on smiling if you screw up totally, The landlord's giving the thumbs up ,he thinks it's going well, But with all the racket from the bar it's impossible to tell. We're all completely tone deaf, the tune's completely lost, But when you're drunk into oblivion, well, who could give a toss? From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen.. Now the amplifier's feeding back just like a dentist's drill, And if that doesn't clear your sinuses, well, the whistle player will, The fiddler's paralytic, every single note is flat, Just like someone sawing up a log while strangling a cat, I've got me brother on the bass and e's completely naff, He's always half a bar behind, well, you just can't get the staff! From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen.. (help! I'm a musician, get me out of here!) Now we,ve massacred the Irish Rover and the Fields of Athenry, Kicked Captain Farrell in the n**s and brought tears to his eyes, We're totally shambolic, yet still they shout for more, and at half past one we stagger through the seventeenth encore, And when we finally grind to a halt, the suffering's still not over, A voice from up the back yells "Can you play the Wild Rover?" From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen (After 15 pints it sounds fine) Well, we've gone for new technology, we've grabbed it by the throat, These backing tracks mean we don't have to play a bloody note, Some pisshead staggers up to me and shakes me by the hand He says "You're a mushical geniush, you musht be classhically trained!" "It takes years of practice to get this crap", I tell him "to be sure , it's true, And how did Daniel O'Donnell get where 'e is, because of oo 'e knew!" From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen (last line three times) (Oh fine man y'are, Seamus!)
13.
Honky Tonk Heart There's a rumour going round I'm gonna drown In beer and nicotine That I'll never survive to be 105 And get my telegram from the queen So says an ideal gnome in an ideal home Who's talking on my TV He's telling me to save, he's a telling me to spend And you'll never get to heaven without going round the bend Oh no . woh oh oh Well, sometimes I think I'm at the brink After a drink on a Saturday night And when I'm at the brink I start to think Of all the things that I might do Like like I'm going to become the TV choice Gonna pocket the money and run to Mexico And fake my death and soon become a legend Though I know it's already been done� It's just another rock and roll revival Build us up so you can blow us apart Cos we're the last of the working class heroes Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts. Woh oh oh, Wo oh oh, Who oh oh Oh now the golden age of the motor car Is a part of history Nose to tail he's a part of the snail Just a part of the family He's a making you spend he's a making you save That old tin box is your master and slave.. Oh no, Woh oh oh Oh we went to college, got ourselves some knowledge Been to university We got official permission to improve our condition With a sociology degree But we couldn't t survive in disco drive For more than a matter of time Well we couldn't be a waiter or an agitator Or a bit part in the pantomime Chorus� Well we spend our time on the treadmill line, Just to stay alive and afloat, On the consumer ship they crack the whip Then spin us dreams to get our vote Work like a slave be buried in your grave And never admit defeat, And this Mr Slater the speculator Is a man I'd like to meet� It's just another rock and roll revival Build us up so you can blow us apart Cos we're the last of the working class heroes Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts
14.
Heaven's Gate The journey of your life I read , Across the continents of mind, Around the footsteps where I tread, Oil, wood and canvas of your time, Through life dismembered, disarrayed, You held a light that cannot fade.. Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss, Desolation, Sacrifice, The child that in the cradle lies, Unshield the sword and pay the price, As crucified by church and state, We all line up at Heaven's gate. And all through many a darkest day, In wilderness dark shadows move, Uncertain enemies and friends, Fear with long knives and twisted truth, Though faith betrayed, honour abused, The devil's silver you refused. Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss, Desolation, Sacrifice, The child that in the cradle lies, Unshield the sword and pay the price, As crucified by church and state, We all line up at Heaven's gate And so at last your rest you found, In dappled light of twilight shade, AS tyrants come and Empires fall, Your story will fill many a page, Yet few of us could say for true, We've lived but half a life as you. Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss, Desolation, Sacrifice, The child that in the cradle lies, Unshield the sword and pay the price, As crucified by church and state, We all line up at Heaven's gate As crucified by church and state, We all line up at Heaven's gate

about

This is the second installment of my songs and just like "Under the Baseball Cap" is a mixture of some recent efforts and others written during a former life in the 70s. I hope that they cover a range of emotions and styles and will be both amusing and thought provoking. I've tried to cover a variety of life experiences and styles of music while keeping my own particular stamp. One of the reasons that I do a lot of comedy material is that ifI try to sing seriously I end up sounding like a camel farting through a wet loaf of bread. This is why I've 'borrowed' quite a lot of voices for various tracks on the CD. Most people who know me realise that most of what I come up with isn't supposed to be taken too seriously.

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released February 7, 2020

Cover design by Keith Phelpstead: keithphelpstead@btinternet.com. Mixed and mastered by Neil Morgan at 'Sanctuary Sound'.

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Dave Taylor Leicester, UK

I write both serious and comedy songs. 6 solo CDs to date and collaborations with Steve Cartwright -"Legends of Leicester/Leicestershire". "All at Sea" shantyish album. Folk based for the most part - when people ask where the ideas come from I can say with honesty -"not drugs!!".. Currently working on a new album "Aspects of Lurve" hopefully out later in 2024. ... more

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