1. |
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Support Your Neighbourhood Fanatic.
We are the instruments of God, we are the holy ones,
Heading for our destiny with holy books and guns,
I am the right hand of Allah, God bless the USA,
Vengeance is mine, Lord, go on make my day!
We live life by the book, every chapter, every verse,
But just like pictures in the clouds, we turn blessings to a
curse,
Oh, let the prophet speak as the blood runs cold,
Divine wind a coming puts a chill into the soul.
Support your neighbourhood fanatic,
Let him fix you with his gaze
On the ghost train to salvation with a smile upon his face
He can't make it to the lifeboat no matter how he tries,
Let him drag us down to doomsday on his way to paradise.
With a licence to kill just like 007,
From Drumcree up to Shankhill Road we're on our way to
heaven,
Fitted out with blinkers to make us run straight and true,
It hurts a lot to laugh when you're one of the lean and hungry
crew.
Our will it is surrendered to that great ventriloquist in the sky.
We've got one eye on God and one on home made apple pie,
We feel the need to follow, it makes us feel kinda nice,
Joyriding to Valhalla on a nuclear device...
Support your neighbourhood fanatic...
Take us to your leader so we don't have to think,
Take us to the water, duck our heads and make us drink,
Give us all the answers so we don't have to cheat.
Let's all fall in line and goosestep down the street.
Support your neighbourhood fanatic,(x2)
We are the instruments of God, we are the holy ones,
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2. |
Weary Old Folk Tune
03:47
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Weary Old Folk Tune
I am a weary old folk tune, it's ofttimes you've heard me
played,
Like when orders came one afternoon that we were to march
away,
From Bantry Bay down to Derry Quay from Galway to Dublin
Town,
To the Lowlands of Holland I've well and truly done the rounds.
Like when I told of three gallant poachers one March evening a
plan they made,
With trap and snare and with finger in their ear, by the
gamekeepers were waylaid,
For the singing of folk songs out of season straightway they
were condemned
To fourteen years transportay-she-aye-on unto Van Diemen's
Land.
Well as the ship it sped, we shook-ed our eds , and gay-zed
with a feeling rare,
Upon a ship that go-ed in the other direction saying "who are
that rabble over there?"
I said, says I "That's the Lancashire Lads, saying whatever shall
we do?"
Then before you could say "To me wack fol diddle eye day"
they'd nicked the bloody tune.
By now I totally confus-ed was to whom I did belong,
This melody to let, no lyrics yet, who'd be an old folk song,
An identity crisis for seven long years and only after intensive
counselling they set me free.
Only to be 'ad by Martin Carthy, three times on one CD.
Well I've been 'ad by half the regiment, given pleasure all
around the fleet.
Abus-ed by all and sundry-aye-ay from me nut brown hair to
me snow white feet.
I've been ad by the aristocracy, and by the rank and file.
It's time I was laid in the unquiet grave, like Lazarus to rise
again.
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3. |
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(Sailing on my) Morning Cloud.
Well meet me at the top of the stairs, don't you feel so proud.
You've got the kind of loving I need to get both my feet off the
ground.
Floating away on a cushion of air, far above the crowds,
Sailing on my morning cloud,
Sailing on my morning cloud.
Now we didn't have to say very much just riding with the tide,
You don't need conversation when you've got nowhere to hide,
Wandering in each other's maze, going round and round,
Sailing on my morning cloud,
Sailing on my morning cloud.
Now the cinders of the evening now grow pale in the morning
skies,
I feel you gently breathing as I wipe the tears from my eyes,
I might wake up in an hour or two safe within my shroud,
Sailing on my morning cloud,
Sailing on my morning cloud.
Though we're surrounded, never join in their games,
Never be grounded till we're shot down in flames!
So meet me at the top of the stairs, don't you feel so proud.
You've got the kind of loving I need to get both my feet off the
ground.
Floating away on a cushion of air, far above the crowds,
Sailing on my morning cloud,
Sailing on my morning cloud.
Sailing on my morning cloud.
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4. |
Not a Morning Person
02:50
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Not a Morning Person.
It's Monday Morning, it's pissing down with rain,
I don't want to go to work, I can't face the strain,
I've got no words to say to anyone.
I don't want to go to work though there's work to be done.
I had a little anaesthetic late last night
And it's gone right to my head,
I've got the best intentions in the world
But I can't get them out of the bed.
I've got no good mornings to say to anyone,
I can't even summon up the mental age to read "The Sun".
It's Monday morning, I'm feeling ill,
Please cancel my engagements,say I have a slight chill.
Why wasn't I born one of them things
Wot hangs upside down in the trees,
I'd just dangle around on me branch all day,
And scratch away all of my fleas.
In my head there's an ache, in my body there's a pain,
I haven't got the energy to disengage me brain,
I've got a very sensitive nose,
And it just doesn't like what it feels outside the bed clothes.
Why wasn't I born spirogyra,
That's just about my size,
I'd just cruise around in me pond all day
And photosynthesize.
It's Monday morning, it soon comes round again
I'm going to get up when I've counted to ten
1-2--3-4-5-etc fade.
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5. |
Company Man
04:43
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Company Man
Well, I'm a company man, and I drive a company car,
For three thousand years I've washed behind the ears
And that's how I've got this far.
I carry a pocket calculator, I tow a white caravan
And I'm down on my knees so easy to please,
Cos I'm a company man.
Well I'm just your action man soldier
You can buy me straight off the peg.
I was born with a great rubber smile on my face
And a seven inch inside leg.
With never a thought in my head, just make me a part of your
plan
Oh and twist my plastic arms into a posture of surrender
Cos I'm a company man..
And I'm so glad to be a part of the team
And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream
And I'm so glad to be
Just a part of the great big happy family.
Oh, I'm a company man, and I live on an acre of land,
And I don't like all this screaming airy pop give me a
birrathatpavaroni or a good brass band.
I'm just the man in the middle, just the sardine just the jam
Spread me around, splash me all over,
Cos I'm the company man.
I'm a part of the company's ears, I see through the company's
eyes.
Three times a week I'll maybe sneak for a leak and whistle as I'm
doing up my flies.
And when I get sat upon or spat upon, it's me that carries the can,
And any old crucifixion without fail I'll bang in the first nail
Cos I'm the company man...
And I'm so glad to be a part of the team
And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream
And I'm so glad to be
Just a part of the great big happy family.
Well, I'm a company man, and I play the snakes and ladders of
success,
Where the papers and the trains and all the insurance claims
Are all part of the incredible mess.
Why don't I throw myself under a fax machine, or "let's bury
daddy in the sand"
That would all be in vain , there's plenty more where I came from
Cos I'm the company man...
And I'm so glad to be a part of the team
And I'm so glad to be a part of the dream
And I'm so glad to be a part of the machine
Just a part of the great big happy family.
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6. |
BSA Bantam 1963
04:41
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BSA Bantam 1963
(Adapted from "Vincent Black Lightning,1952" by Richard Thompson
Said Big Gladys to little Wally,"who owns that clapped out motorbike? I wouldn't be seen dead on such a rusty heap of shite."
Said Little Wally to Big Gladys, "don't demean my mean machine -it's a BSA Bantam 1963 -
I've seen you at the Bingo night down at the King and Queen
Blue hair rinse and green wellies my favourite colour scheme
And if you'll step into the sidecar I fully do intend to take you down to Brighton for the dirtiest of weekends."
Said Little Wally to Big Gladys "let's get this beast on the road-
Watch her when I rev her up really pump testosterone."
Said Big Gladys to Little Wally, "I think I'm going to freeze
Here in this sidecar with these oily rags and grease."
Wally said "for the sake of my machine I've indulged in all Manner of unsavoury personal habits,
But when I get you in that hotel room we'll go at it like rabbits."
He finally kick started it on the forty second try
Nought to forty miles an hour in twenty minutes flat
And off down the A3 they did fly.
Said Big Gladys to Little Wally along the Guildford bypass
"Which stupid pillock didn't listen to the weather forecast ?"
Driving into a blizzard, it was as like as was not
Trying to steer a snake through a barrel of snot,
And along the Hog's Back it finally expired
Water in the carburettor, ice on the spark plug wire
He swore at it and kicked it several times
But his BSA Bantam had died.
Said Big Gladys to Little Wally, "this is another fine mess
Stuck her in a layby in a state of acute distress-
Give me a man with a Reliant Robin or a Citroen 2CV
Not a BSA Bantam 1963."
Wally said "we can still have our night of passion and fun
We can taste the pleasures of the flesh if I stick out my thumb"
Said Gladys" that can never never be
Because I'm going off with this very nice man from the RAC-
Silly Pratt, the A3 doesn't go to Brighton, anyway.."
Said Big Gladys to Little Wally "who owns that clapped out motorbike ? I wouldn't be seen dead on such a rusty heap of shite."
Said Little Wally to Big Gladys "don't demean my mean machine, it's a BSA Bantam, 1963"
"Born to be wild......"
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7. |
Easter Leaver
04:50
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Easter Leaver.
Easter leaver, Easter leaver, Easter leaver
Always late, lesson hater, teacher baiter, image breaker,
Playground fear, racketeer, Boadicea, boa constrictor,
Cannot spell, saved by the bell, run like hell, away from the smell.
Mummy says "I blame the school, they should have kept her in
line"
Letters to the local rag "there's not enough discipline",
Daddy says "I just don't understand how my little girl could turn
out so,
The day she turned up her nose at her bromide and stamped her
little feet and said 'no'"
Easter leaver, Easter leaver...
Don't ask shoot, put in the boot, Front recruit, nazi salute
Leather sporter, rough supporter, devil's daughter, fire water,
Blood blister, ugly sister, no hoper, lunch time smoker.
Headmaster says it's a clear case of "give a dog a bad name",
Ms Jones says "it's beyond a joke, she's driving us insane"
High school shrink thinks he's getting through, "she's not as bad
as people say, it's just the crowd she hangs around leading her
astray, Easter Leaver, Easter Leaver...
Upbraided, ungraded, saddle strider, pillion rider,
cool cucumber, queue jumper, under cover, spunk lover,
Fast liver, ulcer giver, search for traces of saving graces..
Mummy says "I blame the school, they should have kept her in
line"
Letters to the local rag "there's not enough discipline",
Daddy says "I just don't understand how my little girl could turn
out so,
The day she turned up her nose at her muesli and stamped her
little feet and said 'no'" Easter leaver, Easter leaver...
Instrumental break...
Headmaster says it's a clear case of "give a dog a bad name",
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8. |
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The Melodeons Are Coming
Strange portents in the southern skies
Ill omens they are borne
And naked Morris Dancers make crop circles in the corn
A comet races through the sky, foreboding on the wind
Strange conjunctions of the planets, these are bad times my friend
There's chaos on the stock exchange, panic at the ports
The mormons are on their mobile phones, forces on red alert
Supermarket shelves are empty but the churches have full pews
TV schedules rearranged to get the latest news
I do not speaqk of nuclear war or asteroid attack
Ofsted inspectors, bubonic plague, no it's far far worse than that
Not the Martians, not the Daleks, Anne Widdecombe or mad cow
And even Nostradamus did not foresee what's happening now
Oh, they came down in their spacecraft, one hot summer's night
Hideous leering aliens with a green unearthly light
Some had one row of nobs on, and some had two or three
But all were justv as deadly to the likes of you and me
Oh, they breathed through dreadful bellows, through which the air was blown
Destroying all things in their path with a hideous piercing moan
With that dreadful mission statement from the planet of their birth
Saying "death to all things musical that are upon the earth "
The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends
When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind
The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see
That this is the way the world will end....
All in the key of D !
Although they have no life themselves they exist as parasites
Arttach themselves to a human host for all his natural life
They look so harmless in their cases lying over there
But pick one up and gorgon like it will fix you with a stare
"Oh, pick me up and play me," and no man can resist
As they weld themselves forever between the victim's fists
His muscles go into spasm, his eyes go all aglazed
Condemned to play endless tunes for the rest of his days
Those tunes go round in circles, evrybody plays the same
No one can step out of line in this deathly game
It's no good trying to put one down, you will find you can't
Stuck for eternity playing tunes that all sound like Nellie the Elephant.
It starts off with just one in the corner, with himself he will play
But like a cuckoo in the nest drives all other instruments away
And like a siren lures other poor mortals to their doom
And soon you'll have 150 of the buggers all playing in one room
They mutate like a virus spreding at the speed of light
Drag in more hapless victims to feed teir appetite
Stike fear into the bravest hearts, put a chill into the soul
Ithink I just saw one swallow a concertina whole
The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends
When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind
The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see
That this is the way the world will end....
All in the key of D ! ( or G .. apparently ??)
They gather round in workshops, world dominance to plan
Not content till they possess control of every man
A farewell to all intercourse, conversation is all done
Communicate by nods and grunts in between the tunes
You can't fight them on the beaches or flee to the mountains high
Only to put off the day when the spider gets the fly
They can penetrate solid concrete, ferret in the deepest holes
Till in the end we're caught in a trap like rabbits, rats or moles
For the victims there is no way back there can be no release
Not even a stake driven through the heart can bring them inner peace
Till death comes as a welcome friend to take away their pain
As they all meet their final end from repetitive strain
The melodeons are coming, cover up your ears my friends
When you hear their ghastly wailing carried on the wind
The melodeons have landed and its very plain to see
That this is the way the world will end....
All in the key of D !
(repeat chorus)
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9. |
Eridge Valley Cowboy
03:57
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Eridge Valley Cowboy
...and that was four faults for David Bwoome and now Her Woyal
Highness, Pwincess Anne widing "What a cock-up".
Well I wanna be a countwy boy,
I wanna lay me dine,
Away fwom the city's toil and stwife,
With just a few thysand pynds
And a copy of the "Horse and Hynd",
That's all I need to lead the simple life.
..wonderful clear rynde, Susan..
Well, my ma and pa they taught me,
When I was abite knee high,
To do the best things most pwofessionally
They taught me hye to ride a horse,
Hye to handle a sherry glass,
Cos a countwy squire is what you're gonna be, my son,
Yes, a countwy squire is what you're gonna be.
And I wanna be a countwy boy,
..oh, sh'e got a bwick out of the wall..
Now, I got my wife fwom countwy life,
On the glossy side,
With a plum in her mythe and a skin like porcelain,
I got no chin I got no bwain
But I'm a mighty, mighty man,
With a four legg-ed fwiend and a double bawwelled name,
With a four legg-ed fwiend and a double bawwelled name.
And I wanna be a countwy boy,
Now that fox I'm chasing after
He just sits there dying of laughter,
And thinks that I'm acting mighty stwange
Well, I look such a pwatt in my silly little hat,
Just a big, fat lonesome cowboy on the wa-eenge,
Just a big, fat lonesome cowboy on the wange.
Well I wanna be a countwy boy,
..and here comes her Her Royal Highness now, beautifully poised,
beautifully balanced, up to the water jump....OH GAWD, SHE'S
COME RIGHT AWF! ..the horse made a terrible mistake there.
Now, I love to be seen on that good old putting gween,
Talking to a banker fwom the tyne,
He's gonna fetch me pwonto a stockbwoker called Tonto,
And I know he's never gonna let me dine,
No, I know he's never gonna let me dine..
And I wanna be a countwy boy,
...NAFF AWF!!
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10. |
Truer Shade of Blue
05:06
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Truer Shade of Blue
When you were young and in your prime,
Your belly full of rage and fire,
You stood out with Trotsky on the barricades,
That Little Red Book there to inspire you,
And that poster of Che Guevara, it hung on your wall for years,
You thought you were going to change the world and watch it all
come crashing down around their ears,
But the years have flown past so quickly, and it's strange but oh,
so true,
That flag once red with the wrokers' blood now flies a truer shade
of blue.
You were the young icon of the left, you argued deep, deep into
the night,
No clouds to block your vision, the truth was there in black and
white,
And you wore Fidel Castro's cap, it sat squarely on your head,
Now you talk in hushed voices along the corridors of power,
One day soon you'll be a minister it's said..
And now Maggie Thatcher's knickers, they seem the perfect fit for
you,
AS they hang out on your washing line, in a truer shade of blue.
You've gotten wealth, you've gotten image, you've protected and
survived alright,
And now you worry about those demons, and things that might go
bump in the night,
You want a good school for your children, you want investments
that will grow,
As you drifted into the middle of the road and onto the other side,
Safe within that comfort zone..
And as you find yourself saying the things you said you'd never
say, just like your parents used to do,
And the political litmus paper has turned a truer shade of blue.
Your feet are firmly on the ladder, you're a winner in the game,
You joined the congregation, you even sing in the choir, that
revolution never came anyway,
But sometimes through the opium you catch a glimpse in the
mirror, reflecting those far off long gone days,
You try telling yourself it was a natural progression, just a passing
phase,
And as you contemplate power dressing for that important
interview,
Glad that you've been born again in a truser shade of blue.
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11. |
Jehovah's Windows
04:17
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Jehovah's Windows
Well, who's that knocking on my door, it's that knock I dread,
They always call when you're in the shower or half asleep in bed,
You know they've come to take away your money and your sins,
As you watch the milk of human kindness go running down their
chins.
"We happened to be in the area", that's what they always say,
And grin at you as if to say "this is your lucky day!"
"We've come about your windows that you need to replace,
And we've got out foot inside your door and our hands inside your
brains..
So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line,
Give us your soul, your money until the end of time,
Why don't you surrender, who put up a fight,
Just open up Jehovah's Windows, so you can see the light!
Now, your existing windows, they really are the pits,
They'll take with them your walls and roofs when they fall to bits,
Followed by that fitted kitchen that we sold to you,
So climb up onto the watchtower and get a grandstand view.
Now it's no good trying a gentle hint, we have no sense of shame,
We'll just carry on patronising you while your dinner goes up in
flames,
We get a fat commission when all is signed and sealed,
And a timeshare villa in heaven on completion of the deal.
So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line...
Don't think that you can slam that door, it would all be in vain.
We'll just crawl down the chimney pot or wriggle through the
drain,
We'll seep through any orifice you're not safe on the loo,
'Cos like gremlins we'll swim round the bend,
And grab a hold of you.
You can say that you're a hindu, an agnostic or the Pope,
But we're the universal salesmen and we'll never give up hope,
We'll never leave 'til your resistance goes without a trace,
And you're left all double glazed, just like the expression on your
face...
So, come and buy Jehovah's Windows, sign on the dotted line..."
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12. |
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The Worst Irish Band in the World
Oh my name it is Darryl and me story I'll relate,
How I gave up me day job as a plumber's mate's mate,
And it's many a night you'll find me down at McGinty's Bar
With a phoney Irish accent and a badly tuned guitar,
Like Clark Kent into Superman I'll effortlessly change,
And as Seamus and the Scumbags you'll see us on the stage.
From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen
We're probably the worst Irish band you've ever seen,
But we listen to the punters who say "give it to us, please,
Fast and loud and in yer face and in a bunch of keys",
And we know that they'll come back for more to hear the same
old sh**e
It sure to hell beats working at three hundred quid a night
(it's in D)
All you need's a bit of nerve and chords one, two and three
And just keep on smiling if you screw up totally,
The landlord's giving the thumbs up ,he thinks it's going well,
But with all the racket from the bar it's impossible to tell.
We're all completely tone deaf, the tune's completely lost,
But when you're drunk into oblivion, well, who could give a toss?
From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen..
Now the amplifier's feeding back just like a dentist's drill,
And if that doesn't clear your sinuses, well, the whistle player
will,
The fiddler's paralytic, every single note is flat,
Just like someone sawing up a log while strangling a cat,
I've got me brother on the bass and e's completely naff,
He's always half a bar behind, well, you just can't get the staff!
From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen..
(help! I'm a musician, get me out of here!)
Now we,ve massacred the Irish Rover and the Fields of Athenry,
Kicked Captain Farrell in the n**s and brought tears to his eyes,
We're totally shambolic, yet still they shout for more, and at half
past one we stagger through the seventeenth encore,
And when we finally grind to a halt, the suffering's still not over,
A voice from up the back yells "Can you play the Wild Rover?"
From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen
(After 15 pints it sounds fine)
Well, we've gone for new technology, we've grabbed it by the
throat,
These backing tracks mean we don't have to play a bloody note,
Some pisshead staggers up to me and shakes me by the hand
He says "You're a mushical geniush, you musht be classhically
trained!"
"It takes years of practice to get this crap", I tell him "to be sure
, it's true,
And how did Daniel O'Donnell get where 'e is, because of oo 'e
knew!"
From Land's End up to John O'Groats, Rosslare to Skibbereen
(last line three times)
(Oh fine man y'are, Seamus!)
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13. |
Honky Tonk Heart
04:47
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Honky Tonk Heart
There's a rumour going round I'm gonna drown
In beer and nicotine
That I'll never survive to be 105
And get my telegram from the queen
So says an ideal gnome in an ideal home
Who's talking on my TV
He's telling me to save, he's a telling me to spend
And you'll never get to heaven without going round the bend
Oh no . woh oh oh
Well, sometimes I think I'm at the brink
After a drink on a Saturday night
And when I'm at the brink I start to think
Of all the things that I might do
Like like I'm going to become the TV choice
Gonna pocket the money and run to Mexico
And fake my death and soon become a legend
Though I know it's already been done�
It's just another rock and roll revival
Build us up so you can blow us apart
Cos we're the last of the working class heroes
Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts.
Woh oh oh, Wo oh oh, Who oh oh
Oh now the golden age of the motor car
Is a part of history
Nose to tail he's a part of the snail
Just a part of the family
He's a making you spend he's a making you save
That old tin box is your master and slave..
Oh no,
Woh oh oh
Oh we went to college, got ourselves some knowledge
Been to university
We got official permission to improve our condition
With a sociology degree
But we couldn't t survive in disco drive
For more than a matter of time
Well we couldn't be a waiter or an agitator
Or a bit part in the pantomime
Chorus�
Well we spend our time on the treadmill line,
Just to stay alive and afloat,
On the consumer ship they crack the whip
Then spin us dreams to get our vote
Work like a slave be buried in your grave
And never admit defeat,
And this Mr Slater the speculator
Is a man I'd like to meet�
It's just another rock and roll revival
Build us up so you can blow us apart
Cos we're the last of the working class heroes
Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts
Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts
Just trying to find a home for our honky tonk hearts
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14. |
Heaven's Gate
02:56
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Heaven's Gate
The journey of your life I read ,
Across the continents of mind,
Around the footsteps where I tread,
Oil, wood and canvas of your time,
Through life dismembered, disarrayed,
You held a light that cannot fade..
Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss,
Desolation, Sacrifice,
The child that in the cradle lies,
Unshield the sword and pay the price,
As crucified by church and state,
We all line up at Heaven's gate.
And all through many a darkest day,
In wilderness dark shadows move,
Uncertain enemies and friends,
Fear with long knives and twisted truth,
Though faith betrayed, honour abused,
The devil's silver you refused.
Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss,
Desolation, Sacrifice,
The child that in the cradle lies,
Unshield the sword and pay the price,
As crucified by church and state,
We all line up at Heaven's gate
And so at last your rest you found,
In dappled light of twilight shade,
AS tyrants come and Empires fall,
Your story will fill many a page,
Yet few of us could say for true,
We've lived but half a life as you.
Hands in Prayer, Edelweiss,
Desolation, Sacrifice,
The child that in the cradle lies,
Unshield the sword and pay the price,
As crucified by church and state,
We all line up at Heaven's gate
As crucified by church and state,
We all line up at Heaven's gate
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Dave Taylor Leicester, UK
I write both serious and comedy songs. 6 solo CDs to date and collaborations with Steve Cartwright -"Legends of Leicester/Leicestershire". "All at Sea" shantyish album. Folk based for the most part - when people ask where the ideas come from I can say with honesty -"not drugs!!".. Currently working on a new album "Aspects of Lurve" hopefully out later in 2024. ... more
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