Clever People When caveman lusted after cavewoman And wanted her back in his lair He'd grunt three times, club her over the head And drag her homewards by her hair I'm sure to explain this social phenomenon On the scene there would descend Some bearded pratt of A consultant sociologist Talking out of his rear end Aren't you glad we've got these clever people Fond of the echo of their own voice Saying "trust in us we are the experts, God's gift to the human race We can hold forth on A given situation On A radio program or on TV Available for A consultation For A consultation fee." Now much more recently they gave of the opinion That the world was definitely flat Or all these Australians would be hanging onto trees To stop them falling off the map If you sail that ship you'll fall off the edge Before you've travelled very far Don't say I didn't warn you, better stay at home You're safer exactly where you are. And when you were ill, received medical opinion Adamant about the state you're in Said "we're the physicians, we'll improve your condition By the application of leeches to your skin These wonderful creatures have healing features That will help to pull you through And if they don't it's probably A virus And there's very little we can do.." Aren't you glad we've got these clever people.. Now this war with Germany will be over by Christmas Any fool can see that's true There won't be time for digging trenches We'll be in Berlin in A week or two We know this Adolf Hitler's misunderstood His potty training was really naff He's just stopping off to smell the flowers This piece of paper tells me he's an awfully nice chap Now this young lad who comes from Memphis Who everyone goes on about I'll eat my hat If he lasts more than A month or two, Especially with A name like that And these four lads from Liverpool They can't sing or play in A million years Don't make me laugh A flash in the pan, A storm in A teacup THis egg on my face won't seem to come off Aren't you glad we've got these clever people.. There is no hurricane, expect calm weather, Beef is completely safe to eat There's rings around Uranus We're heading for an ice age The world is going to overheat There's an asteroid coming, we're entering A black hole We're doomed Mr Mainwaring, don't panic You'll never need more that one megabyte of memory You're as safe as houses on the good ship Titanic I think that at this juncture it's A reasonable assumption At the end of the day we have A bona fide case I've made it absolutely clear before Be reassured it's set in concrete So I'll make it absolutely clear again In order to equalise we need to score A goal Using broad brush strokes at this point in time In A drowning situation in A civilised society Bullshit baffles brains every time Aren't you glad we've got these clever people.. ( The capital A's should be pronounced "Ay")

Family Holidays There's one place that we long to be that's family holidays by the sea. To swim in sewage is our greatest wish with Sellafield mutant jellyfish Everyone both old and young like washed up whales in the sun There she blows what jolly, jolly fun This is the place to be ! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la Though we got up at the break of day there's a thirty mile jam on the motorway Nose to tail stuck in that queue, sweating like pigs, air turning blue And when we finally lose that jam, we're stuck behind a caravan This wasn't a part of our cunning plan- We should have stayed at home Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la On the very first day just as we planned we search for a square foot of sand, But the only place we can put our mat is right where someone's dog's just shat And when we finally take the plunge, we can't move for big fat bums To what a state the nation's come Really wish you were here ! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la Oh, the very next day, we will spend, evacuating from both ends 'Cos we ate something for our tea we should have left crawling round the bottom of the sea Yet still we stuff our face with grease, kamikaze wasps give us no peace 'till it pisses down with rain oh, please, please, please-take us away from here! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la On the third wet day, alas, alack, we're stuck in the shops buying loads of tack Puffing on fags and putting on weight, I'm sure we're all going to suffocate I think I'm going to go beserk, that bloke over there looks like a right burke (oh, it's a mirror) I wish that we were back at work -only two days to go ! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la "I'm not effin' telling you again, you little brat, you can't have a bloody ice cream and that's that ! You think I'm effin 'made of money you do Well you got another bloody think coming I'll tell you - Look will you just stop effin' going on, you little sod Before I really wallop you one - well, I don't know where he gets his bloody manners from ! We're not bringing you again ! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la Well, the week's all gone love and just as well, Deliver us from this living hell Pack your pink trouser suit away, we'll live to chain smoke another day We'll leave this popular resort, full of ghastly sights in shorts No wonder we feel out of sorts- see you again next year! Oh,la la lalala lala lalala lala lalala la la la

Mary She was just twenty one when she was wed She was the Cinderella princess in stories she'd read She made him her bountiful sage Straight from the page, he made her a cage Now her mother's wedding tears are long down the drain Oh and Mary wants her own little room again He came with oceans of promises said "don't you fear" Those sad old rocking horse blues will soon disappear He said he'd got nothing to hide with her at his side Now everything's died After all he gave her was his name Oh and Mary wants her own little room again He sold her fairy stories that washed so white And left not a blemish or a stain on the sheets of the night But lovers can wear no disguise, it's not paradise Now everything's ice That never melts but just turns dreams to clay Oh and Mary wants her own little room again She lived in a world of her making all on her own His predatory mind made a prison disguised as a home But now her dice are all cast why didn't it last, She longs for the past As his soft sold shoes approach her bedroom door Oh and Mary wants her own little room once more As he introduces his friends saying "this is my wife" Continues the seven act play of a week in her life A little bird looks from the nest but can't face the test, So decides she will rest When all she really wants to do is just fly away Oh and Mary wants her own little room again She improves with every performance as her lines are rehearsed As she sees her children a growing a promise is nursed Now she's here talking to me still not wanting to see Too weak to be free As she tries to drown her sorrows in the rain Oh and Mary wants her own little room again

Songs of Praise From neat suburban gardens to the sound of the church bells They come from north, south, east and west as the congregation swells Last night there were only fifteen souls now they're pouring through the doors It's not because they're serving Theakston's, no they're here because they're going to be appearing on... Songs of praise, oh songs of praise To the cameras we will sing In soprano, tenor or baritone voice Those loud hosannas ring All in all we can all agree That Jesus Christ was a Conservative MP, I'll open my mouth wide 'till it fills the TV screen 'Cos I'm on songs of praise Yes, I'm on songs of praise. The church is decorated with the Dahlia and the Rose To cover any nasty smells that might get up one's nose I looked in the mirror and a vision I beheld In velvet jacket and dicky bow tie I hope my boss is watching me That star of screen as I'm here singing on... Songs of praise, oh songs of praise On weekdays I count silver and gold and fight the material fight They say I'd probably sell my own grandmother If the price was right But now I sing to raise the roof I miss my mobile phone To see if my shares in "Granny's 'r' Us have multiplied and grown while I've been singing.. Songs of praise, oh songs of praise.. I'll put on more vibrato to be better heard and seen The Royal Opera or even Sir Cliff might even notice me God moves in mysterious ways to fulfil the financial dreams Of one poor lonely rentacreep just trying to shove that camel Through the eye of that needle singing... Songs of praise, oh songs of praise.. I'm oozing extreme unction out of every single pore As I carry on singing in this silly voice So smiling and cocksure I'm such a pillar of righteousness a modern miracle to behold Well, who would believe that underneath it all I'm such a complete arsehole as I'm here singing.. Songs of Praise, oh songs of praise... And you won't see my arse for dust next week When there's no more Songs of Praise ..Amen...

Oddsock Blues Sitting in front of the TV screen Of a laundromatic washing machine Gazing at the goggle box Watching lots of filthy socks Whose silken thread weave patterns in my mind As I wash away my troubles As I gaze at the adventures of my underpants As they dance among the bubbles And oh, what can you do When you've got the oddsock blues Now with my lady by my side I thought I'd take a motor ride Take down the roof and swallow the sun Smiling down on every one But if I thought to feel the summer breeze A blowing through our hair Then it was my mistake As we're stuck behind the backside Of an empty yogurt lorry Trying to overtake And oh, what can you do When you've got the oddsock blues I find that life is such a drag Playing with my three chord brag Strumming guitar won't get you far You'll never be a superstar Just a precious link in a fully automated bogchain Gotta step out of this routine So I'll go and read the beano to the pin striped Flour graders on the five fifteen And oh, what can you do When you've got the oddsock blues When you've got the oddsock blues When you've got the oddsock blues

Song for Desmond Way down yonder close to Milton Keynes They lead the sort of life you see in magazines Inside a rabbit hutch made of bricks and glass There lives a little dream called Shangri-La Who never ever learned to use a hammer or a plane But she could be a super shopper Hubby drives a white Sierra Flashing lights behind you knee jerk salesman Down the outside lane But what does she do when the lights go out Or the heating won't co-operate And hubby is away on business And won't get back till late No problem ,cos she's.. Got a little man who comes and does things Got a little man who's there at her call He'll paint a cupboard door, put wires on plugs With his little tap, tap and his brick out of the wall Doesn't cost a bomb, he knows his place Always tidies up without leaving a trace It's just between me and you The things that little man can do They say he can perform the most amazing stunts They say he even knitted his own Y-fronts. She brings back all her shopping down the cul-de-sac Checks her shoes for doggy poos and starts to unpack Loads of Marks and Spencers' £9.99 Going to take this back and give a piece of her mind Complains about the council not picking up the leaves While hubby plays for high stakes And goes for maximum breaks Hatching schemes and making dreams With ways and means not excluding Funny hand shakes But she's no Venus in Battledress Carries no Swiss Army blade And when the key won't turn because the lock's too stiff Who'll come to her aid NO need to worry 'cos.. She's got a little man... He carries his tools in a little blue van Just like he did when they first began He whistled while he worked She made a cup of tea They went somewhere private to talk about money She tells her friends about him While her hair is being dried What would she do without him How would she get through She says one day his name will be in lights He even says his aitches when he remembers to He's so loyal he almost wags his tail Faithful like old Gunga Din And just like the US Cavalry He'll always come steaming in No, no, no problem 'cos she's Got a little man who comes and does things...

Under the Baseball Cap There's a kind of you know what I mean a sort of great big blob Where forty watts of braincell drives 50 megawatts of gob Close by a burned out mattress lie 20 number six Bull terrier straining at the leash where ignorance is bliss We don't need no education where the cat shat on the mat It's welcome to the wasteland under the baseball cap We've got lager we've got Big Macs, we've got putty in our 'eads Shouting "yeah, gutted eh!" or "shut it or you're dead!" Screaming down our mobiles like Americans on TV Feet up on the table that's the way life ought to be The world is just our ashtray, our dinner on our lap Here lies Merry England under the baseball cap Under the baseball cap, under the baseball cap, Here lies Merry England under the baseball cap Well we used to wield the spraycan to let you know where we've bin Aerosols with pimples and bumfluff on our chins, 'til we got our Ford Fiestas, boy racers down the club On a Saturday Night with a "dumph, dumph, dumph" and a "rub-a-dub-dub" Evolution's going backwards,we're living proof of that fact It's effin' this and effin' that under the baseball cap Under the baseball cap ( + last line of verse) Well, with our shell suits and our trainers We're off to sunny Spain. Off to the Costa Plonka to get pissed out of our brain "In't yer got no chips, Manuel ?" bog seat round our 'ead Belching and Farting like a good 'un loud enough to wake the dead Bolts through the neck, between the ears a gap It's off we go to fight the foe under the baseball cap Under the baseball cap (+ last line of verse) repeat twice.

Cool and In Control There's some young men walking down the street So cool and in control There's a politician smiling through a web of deceit So cool and in control There's a man who's putting poison in my food So cool and in control He's telling me that it's doing me good No sweat, in our sun tan lotion No fear of betraying an emotion We've got the power, we've got the latest fad 'Cos we're so cool and you're all so sad There's a drug pusher driving some sleek black wheels So cool and in control Behind his shades he's got a clean pair of heels So cool and in control Behind tinted glass, behind locked doors So cool and in control You can't see his eyes but he can see yours No sweat, in our sun tan lotion... British standard men in British standard trousers So cool and in control Cockney whizzkids by the score up and darn the arzes So cool and in control Every DJ on every radio station So cool and in control Stripper leaving nothing to the imagination No sweat, in our sun tan lotion... Great big fish in very small ponds So cool and in control The American dream with its magic wand So cool and in control The madman who keeps his country in chains So cool and in control The world with a burger in its hand and no brains. No sweat, in our sun tan lotion... There's jazzmen twiddling on saxophones So cool and in control A baby in a nappy with a mobile phone So cool and in control The General ordering his men to drop the bomb So cool and in control God in www.heaven.com No sweat, in our sun tan lotion... From our computer screens we can all print out So cool and in control In black and white without a shadow of a doubt So cool and in control There's a woman who's telling me what to think So cool and in control She's telling me that this ship can't sink No sweat, in our sun tan lotion...(X2)

Fifty Miles of Stormy Water I met a dark eyed lady,as I went upon my way Stood by a lake through the city's haze On a misty autumn day She took me to that island Far across those fathoms deep As the leaves fell fast like pages of the past Underneath our feet, underneath our feet The dark eyed lady spoke to me a sorry winter's tale As we gazed out from that western shore Out into the gale She told me of her children scattered To the earth's four corners wide And of those ships of Spanish gold Coming in on the tide Coming in on the tide And somewhere within the restless sleep Of a troubled night it seems Where your shadows drift on a boat of time Upon a sea of dreams I see the ghosts all around your stones Through the memory of your tears Across fifty miles of stormy water Across ten thousand years Across ten thousand years The dark eyed lady played with me That old familiar tune As we sang that song that will never end Drunk beneath the moon I rose with her triumphant In both harmony and rhyme That echoes on forever over endless space and time Endless space and time And somewhere within the restless sleep...

Service with a Smile Oh we believe in service with a smile Yes, we believe in service with a smile All of our employees go around grinning like chimpanzees 'Cos we believe in service with a smile Oh, won't you gweet your gwanny with a gwin 'Cos you know how terrible she's bin And the only reason she's still alive Is 'cos she's pickled in gin Oh, won't you gweet you gwanny with a gwin Cos we believe in service with a smile... Oh, mister politician won't you come and shake your hand with me And bounce my little baby on your knee Won't you toss him like a rugger ball Watch him throwing up his tea Mister politician won't you shake your hand with me Cos we believe in service with a smile Oh, I do like that nice Mister Heath Oh, he's got such a lovely set of teeth All of his constituents are in his ring of confidence Oh, I do like that nice Mister Heath Cos we believe in service with a smile Oh, my favourite popstar, he's on TV And he's smiling especially for me Oh, he dances like a buttercup and he sings like a flea (I stole that line from Mohammed Ali) Cos we believe in service with a smile Now Cinderella she's looking rather glum So she's gone and sewn a smile badge on her bum If you want to make her frown you're gonna Have to turn her upside down Oh, Cinderella she's looking rather glum Cos we believe in service with a smile Yes we do... Cos we believe in service with a smile Have a nice day ! Cos we believe in service with a smile

The Devonshyre Plonkere Oh, as I wal-ked out one May morning On a May morning so bright and clear I saw a bloke coming over the hill With his finger in his ear His finger in his ear How shabbily you're dress-ed young man How badly smell your feet Well, I have walk-ed for many a mile To tend your bleating sheep (BAAAAA) To tend your bleating sheep Fair maid, I'll buy you a milk white steed I'll buy you a dapple grey And twenty pounds worth of premium bonds If you'll let me 'ave mi way If you'll let me 'ave mi way Oh, you know what you can do with your milk white steed You can stuff your dapple grey For I am to be wed to mi darling Ned A sailor bold and gay A sailor bold and gay Oh, but your darling Ned has sail-ed away Upon the deep blue sea Upon the banks of Ow-stray-lee-aye-ay With an aborigin-aye-eee With an aborigin-aye-eee Oh, he took-ed her to a wayside inn 'Twas in the good beer guide And she was gasping for a gin But he left her outside(the sod!) Oh, how bitterly she cried Oh, I don't know what to make of you You promis-ed me your heart You said you'd only have one ale or two But you're as piss-ed as a fart As piss-ed as a fart Oh, but I will get my articles And I'll get my degree And I will get stuck-ed in a silly job If you will stay with me If you will stay with me So girls pay 'eed to what I say Or you'll have trouble at your door You'll end up marri - aye- ed to a solicitor's clerk With children two point four With children two point four.

Amber (lyric by Val Marshall-George) Like a fly trapped in amber my heart's set in stone Inside it still beats but the feeling has gone 'Cos you went and left me to cry here alone So, like a fly trapped in amber my heart's set in stone Your warmth made me love you but I should have known That someday you'd leave me in this world alone You ensnared another to take over my throne Now, like a fly trapped in amber my heart's set in stone Fly to her arms like you want to do Soon she'll tire of you and you'll be left blue If ever you're sorry 'cos your new love has flown And you miss the love that once we had known Don't ever come back here to weep and to moan 'Cos like a fly trapped in Amber my heart's set in stone Fly to her arms like you want to do Soon she'll tire of you and you'll be left blue If ever you're sorry 'cos your new love has flown And you miss the love that once we had known Don't ever come back here to weep and to moan 'Cos like a fly trapped in Amber my heart's set in stone Don't ever come back here to weep and to moan 'Cos like a fly trapped in Amber my heart's set in stone

Kerreh (From the original Ancient Wooliback Manuscript) {sung to the tune of "Carey" by Joni Mitchell} Oh, the bus is in from As-dah An om art wi the lads Cawn, gissafag, Kerreh, cos ah lift marn oop ni dad's Ay up, yer gorransarronsumcheweh, mi duck An yer gorrabirrabobonyershew Burritsnowtburrorange plastic, Kerreh Aniss norraziftherenew, entet ? Ay up, Kerreh, gerroffyerbum, oll purronsome brut Yer a laireh scumbag if yer know worrameanlark Ye, yer a mardiarse if yer know worrah mean (Thasther cawrus tharriz) Mebbe will guh darn Krystals, an arl geya a malibu Un arse up fifteen pints o Stellah, an rent leeful wep'n two Mebbe wigguh Skeggeh, un mebbe gerravindaloo An then arlaftaguhtawlet Awyerbuggaromgonnaftagalloo Ay up, Kerreh, gerroffyerbum, oll purronsome brut Yer a laireh scumbag if yer know worrameanlark Ye, yer a mardiarse if yer know worrah mean (The next verse tells of the delicate and subtle courtship rituals of the Ancient Woolibacks) "Ay up, Gaz, yer nob-'ead" "Aw, shrup, Kerreh yer slag" "Eh, iz rarely gorritonim enteh Lafta purridinaplaggy bag Well, un wanigorritartatfust, ay up, ah wonarf frit An wan ah says to im purridawaylark Iggimmealoadashit 'n stuff E called a tramp, the cheekeh get ! Well, that warn't rart worret ? 'N arl tellya summat else fer note 'n all Iberra tek it wi'im wan iguzzum." "Aw ar, ah'd it im uvver the 'ed wi'it ar would Ay up, Kerreh, gerroffyerbum, oll purronsome brut Yer a laireh scumbag if yer know worrameanlark Yeh, yer a mardiarse if yer know worrah mean (The last verse is a slightly different version of the first and is interesting in that it shows that Leicester, in the time of the Ancient Woolibacks, was, as it is now, a multicultural city.) Oh the bus is in from Asdah, INNIT ! An om art wi the lads Caws gissa fag, Kerreh, cos ah lift marn oop mi dad's AY up, yer gorransarronsum cheweh, mi duck An yer gorrabirrabobonyer shew Burritsnowtburorange plastic, Kerreh Aniss norralotyercandoabarrit INNIT, EH, INNIT- Oll kill the bastard ! Ay up, Kerreh, gerroffyerbum, oll purronsome brut Yer a laireh scumbag if yer know worrameanlark Yeh, yer a mardiarse if yer know worrah mean Yeh, yer a mardiarse if yer know worrah mean Ay up, gerrof wiya, ah int gorroat !

No Place Like Rome Oh, there's no place like Rome For living in a stately home For living the life of a drone For stealing the imperial throne Well, all of my roads lead in a straight line To the palace of state where I recline And watched the heroes pose as I fiddled around And just watched the town as it burned to the ground Oh, there's no place like Rome.. Oh, and insanity, you're just too sane for me Playing nuclear chicken is so fingerlickin' I couldn't survive without overdrive Oh, you left me breathing but barely alive Oh there's no place like Rome Well, there's no place like Tangier If you just want to disappear Or earn seventy thousand clear Or just blaming it all on the beer They'll soon make you lover boy of the year Pin a great rosette to your ear But you a company Kharmann Ghia There's no place like Tangier Oh, and insanity, you're just too sane for me Playing nuclear chicken is so fingerlickin' I couldn't survive without overdrive Oh, you left me breathing but barely alive Oh there's no place like Tangier Oh, you can't beat outer space For falling flat on your face For putting the world in its place For dumping atomic waste And for burying the human race Well, its a great place to plant flags of state An ideal base from which to annihilate A guaranteed method of losing weigh Oh, you can't beat outer space.. Oh, and insanity, you're just too sane for me Playing nuclear chicken is so fingerlickin' I couldn't survive without overdrive Oh, you left me breathing but barely alive Oh there's no place like Tangier