You can see me every night darn the booozah
Jack the lad just propping up the bar
Givin’ it the banter, Knockin’ back the ale
Eyeing up all the local tarts
I’ve got all the techniques and the manoeuvres
Those chat up lines just roll off the tongue
And I don’t ‘ave any trouble pullin’ them birds
And you know we’ll be between the sheets before too long

But there is one fing I must beware of
And must at all costs not do that fing
Otherwise before you know it I’m gonna go and blow it
Directly I open mi marf and sing

Cos yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
To put it bluntly it just won’y work
No yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
You’ll end up sounding like a total berk
She won’t appreciate yer serenade
If ya sarnd like Chas n’ Dave
It just one of those fings what carn’t be done

I can sell a used car yer know and snow to Eskimos
Wheel and deal until the kaas come ‘ome
Drive mi motah rarnd the arzes in mi designer trarziz
And shart abart it darn mi mobile dog n’ bone
But if yer wants a really good larf
At the fings what come arta mi marf
As I blow mi chances clean clean away
Cos when I sings Love me Tender
It just sarnds like Dot Cotton artav Eastenders
As I wave mi street cred goodbye

Cos yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
Though Billy Bragg ‘as give it ‘is best shot
No yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
Do I like that Not a lot
She won’t appreciate yer serenade
If ya sarnd like Chas n’ Dave
It just one of those fings what carn’t be done

Now the Frenchman ‘e will say madame onshontay
And that Inglaysius geezer seem to do OK I guess
But the Cockney can’t compare with that continental flare
When ‘e sez “C,m ‘ere gal, ave a banana
So if yer want the moral of the story
Just stick to what you’re good at and feel prard
Don’t venture in them places where yer lack the necessary social graces
Yer’ll just be diggin’ yerself a’ ‘ole in the grarnd

Cos yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
Those dulcet tones will never melt ‘er ‘art
Even if she comes from Essex
No yer carn’t sing lovesongs wiv a cockney accent
Do me a favour. son leave it art
She won’t appreciate yer serenade
If ya sarnd like Chas n’ Dave
It just one of those fings what carn’t be done

Though me ‘art is filled with desire
Sixty four firemen manning fourteen appliances carn’t put out that fire
It’s just one of those fings what carn’t be done
So I’ve postulated me eyepofessis and now I rest mi case
It’s just one of those fings what carn’t be done